A Guide to a Perfect Thanksgiving Holiday

A lot of you may be hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the first time this year. I tip my construction paper pilgrim hat to you, because it’s not an easy feat to coordinate such an event. With that said, you may be a bit nervous and you may have questions like:

1) “Will my turkey be dry?” 

2) “How do I iron the wrinkles in my canned cranberry sauce?” 

3) “My tablecloth is the same pattern as Aunt Tabitha’s dress- which one of us should be embarrassed?”

To which I answer:

1) No. Prior to cooking, delicately rub soft butter under the slightly loosened skin of the bird as if you are role playing Buffalo Bill (or cosplaying, if you really want to commit). To paraphrase the fictional serial killer, “It puts the butter under its skin, and then we baste and baste again.”

2) Have you tried a hairdryer on the lowest setting? 

3) This depends on how you pronounce the word “aunt.” If you pronounce it like “ant,” then Tabitha should be embarrassed. If you pronounce it like “ount,” you should be embarrassed about this and a lot of other things.

No matter what, just know that I believe in you and I know that you’ll do a great job. It never hurts to take a little advice from someone with experience in these matters. Although I admittedly have never hosted a holiday feast, I have attended and ruined quite a few of them.

And how!

So with that spirit in mind, here are some rules for your guests to follow. If heeded, you should all enjoy a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Please make sure that your guests are aware of these rules before they enter your home. Feel free to share and email them, or simply print them out and nail them to your front door in the vein of Martin Luther.

HOUSE RULES AND DECORUM

-Love-making is prohibited in and outside all parts of the residence.

-Topics of discussion pertaining to 2017 deceased celebrities will be regarded as one topic each. For example, a guest may say, “I can’t believe Chris Cornell died! Oh, and Fats Domino died, too.” This will be regarded as two separate topics of conversation due to each of the deceased having their own different bodies of work.

-Guests are required to wear hair nets at all times.

-Should an awkward silence or a pregnant pause arise during conversation, guests are encouraged to loudly blurt out, “Now! To the killing floor!” or “I never loved you, Kevin!” in order to further stimulate conversation.

-Loud laughing (including guffawing) is frowned upon.

-If any guests engage in argumentative conversation, they will be forced to reconcile by singing Bread’s 1970 classic, “Make it With You” to each other without breaking eye-contact. This is not so much a solution as it is a deterrent.

-One napkin will be provided per couple. If you love each other, this shouldn’t be an issue.

-Any guest who initiates a discussion pertaining to politics or religion must discuss both politics and religion and how they may or may not influence one another in American society. The guest must hold this discussion alone, in the bathroom provided, and speak directly into the toilet.

-The Eternal Harbinger of Souls resides in our basement behind the hot water heater. You may do what you want with this information, but you must do something.

-Crying is strictly prohibited. Guests discovered crying for any reason will be escorted from the premises and placed in a stranger’s car.

-Each guest is required to bring their own gravy boat. At the conclusion of dinner, all gravy boats will be assembled in the driveway to make a gravy boat armada. Slow-clapping will be afforded to any guest who dons a tie-dyed shirt and declares, “I proclaim this land in the name of the Wavy Gravy Navy!”

-Toilet use is limited to one bathroom break per two hours. Wash hands vigorously. While tempting, do not dry hands on cat.

-Those that eat pumpkin pie with Cool Whip and those that eat pumpkin pie sans Cool Whip shall do so on opposite sides of the house in order to prevent a discussion of what very well might be the most divisive topic of our time.

-Guests are only permitted to acknowledge the original thirteen colonies, as George Washington intended.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!