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Incessant updates on apps are the bane of modern existence

Apr 03, 2018 • by Mike Zielinski, Host of The Mike Zielinski Show
Mike Zielinski

Unless you’re under 6 months of age or as technologically astute as a tsetse fly, you likely have plenty of apps on your phone. And by consequence, oodles and oodles of manual updates.

There are some things in life that are annoying. Having a safe drop on you from the 34th floor is one of them. Updating apps more frequently than you inhale is another. Exterminators don’t do so many bug fixes

Despite the tsunami of constant updates, you seldom, if ever, notice anything significant changing. Their upgrades have more subtlety than a Henry James novel.

Apps should not require more constant care than 99-year-old invalids. It makes you wonder if their software programmers are 99-year-old invalids.

Software update notifications do more multiplying than the loaves and fishes. These notifications are constant companions on cell phones and tablets. The apps nag you like a fishwife. If you don’t update on command, they pester you until you’re diagnosed as criminally insane.

Granted, I realize that apps do need periodic updates to fix security vulnerabilities, enhance stability and performance, and add new features. After all, there are plenty of malware monsters and ruffian Russians lurking in cyberspace these days.

But app updates that are as regular as the sunrise make you realize that if the app was total junk yesterday it likely will be again tomorrow. If a human being was so flawed, he or she would be on Dr. Phil every day.

OK, programmers work to make their apps better products. But must they do it every week? They should take a month off at a time – golf or vacations on the French Riviera seem like good alternatives – and leave us in peace.

But not everything is as desolate as a Russian or even a Berks County winter on the app front. An increasing number of apps are adding automatic, silent updates that don’t involve nagging.

I would expound upon this subject in more depth, but I’m falling behind on my updates. When I neglect them, guilt gnaws on my ribs like a rat. I can’t help myself. I was raised Roman Catholic.

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