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Baby, it’s cold outside

Baby, it’s cold outside

Our county commissioners reportedly are considering renaming Berks something more appropriate, like Ice Station Zebra.

I realize that we’re not the only region affected by this cold snap from hell – OK, replace hell with Pluto where the average temperature is a frosty minus-392 degrees Fahrenheit.

But I’m selfish. I live here and I’m freezing here. Never mind that the bone-chilling cold even managed to freeze portions of Niagara Falls, transforming it into the world’s largest popsicle. I’m worried that my furnace blows a gasket and all my water pipes burst, turning my house into a frozen, sparkling hell.

Perhaps President Trump is correct and global warming is a hoax concocted by either (1.) the Chinese, (2.) the North Koreans or (3.) Mariah Carey.

Granted, I do acknowledge the difference between weather and climate. The former refers to atmospheric conditions during a shorter period while the latter is a longer view of weather patterns. But when it’s cold enough to crack bicuspids merely by yawning, my longer view of weather encompasses about 50 seconds.

Which is why instead of building a wall across our Mexican border, we need to build a Great Wall across our Canadian border. All this cold weather comes from Canada, so if we erect a heavily insulated wall standing 1,000 miles high it should keep out the frigid temperatures.

This monumental wall would make the Great Wall of China look like a patio paver and would be one of the true engineering marvels of all time. I realize it might cost billions of dollars, but the Republican-inspired tax cut should just about cover it. And if that would fall short, I’m sure our wealthy president and the Clinton Foundation would cover the shortfall.

That tandem grand gesture for the greater good, of course, would bury the hatchet between Trump and the Clintons stemming from the 2016 election and bring healing to our country while nuking partisanship gridlock and ensuring that Uncle Sam regains his mojo and shows the entire world who’s boss.

After all, Uncle Sam isn’t the same imposing figure when he’s wearing ear muffs and mittens. Our Great Wall would block the Arctic air streaming down from Canada and allow Uncle Sam to send his ear muffs and mittens to the Russians, who have to contend with those dastardly Siberian winds. And mitten-wearing Russian hackers no longer would have the finger dexterity to hack our elections.